My life in a coffee cup...

Last night was pure blessing. I saw some of my friends back in college, some of whom I haven't seen since our graduation. We had this mini reunion during my friend Katskie's surprise birthday visit...hehe. it was genuinely heart-warming to see that my friend is smiling and happy... too much that she cries. Luv u Kat!

It was so nice to see Ira, Kuya Eugene, Lulu and Joma again. Makes me think about college and the memories that go along with it (scrap the 'Pakbet Boy' phase!) Kuya Eugene had some really deep yet interesting thoughts to share. We lav it!!!

But first, to get to Kat's place, I had to commute and preferred the fast but extra challenging way - riding the MRT.
Again, riding the MRT was suicide in the making. Good thing I had two of my officemates with me. The last time I rode the MRT, I almost got pushed down the train tracks in Shaw Boulevard station. I wouldn't have imagined my death to be like that at all! No way!

Despite my very busy schedule at work, I still find myself smiling and laughing a lot these days. And I am reallty thankful for that. =)

I feel like I'm living my life in the fast lane.

It's been months since I last had the privilege of just watching the days and weeks pass me by. Now, I am caught up in a current... so strong that I'm almost drowning even before I say 'Help!'

Work has been kicking my a** big time. I have no time these days to just lounge around and appreciate the chirping birds and the magnificent color of the sunset. I am always running - in the morning, when I'm trying to get to the shuttle stand to avoid the long queue; in the afternoon to buy some packed lunch just outside the office building when I realize that time fooled me once again and half the day is gone without any warning; when I'm heading home and at elbow my way to a decent jeepney ride. I only feel exhausted when both my feet are up against my wall (literally) as I am trying to re-gain the normal blood circulation in my legs.

I am almost married to this laptop and it feels pathetic.

But as I've once mentioned in my 'tweet,' 5 days of heaven is equals to at least 26 days or so of almost hell. The 26 days of hell is on but I am claiming those five days two days from now. I will be off to Saigon with my friend, then to Angkor for some RNR. I can't say I can't wait because I honestly can - what with all the pending articles to be edited and to be written, who wouldn't want to wait. But I am extremely and hyper-ly excited. I guess it's just self-discipline that prevails right now and it's taking my whole being to keep it this way.

Wow, I am getting old. =)

I haven't had time to blog... I know, it's extreme!

For someone who used to maintain about seven blogs regularly, this is really sad. The past couple of weeks saw a 'reeling' me for a few different reasons:

At work. Whoooohooo! Alas, the magazine's August issue is already finished! Completed. Over and Out. I spent the last two days at a workshop on 'Coaching' and it was such a great experience. I normally don't attend workshops like that but I'd say, yes, they make perfect sense (or at least until the enthusiasm wanes... tee-hee!) It was also like a 'break' for me from the very stressful office environment.As usual, it took a lot of whipping, patience, and determination to complete another issue of the mag. Imagine our efforts to develop a bimonthly magazine... now double that. It is really difficult; and it doesn't help that some people are also difficult... tsk... We are moving office. And as much as I was against it, I think now, I kind'a am all for the idea. Our own space... our own office environment... bliss? I hope.

At the death of MJ. I never knew that I was a fan until he died. Oh yes. I had my MJ fan moments when I was in highschool (that time of 'You are not alone,' 'Black & White,' and 3T) and when he went all whacko, I totally forgot that I was a fan. The weekend that he passed on, I indulged myself in his videos and music, it sinked in, he is gone. =(

At my social life (which at this point is non-existent). The only time I had a huge crowd around me was when I attended the 'Apologetics' at the Fort with a pastor friend of my friends who are already based in the states. Nice crowd, I'd say. Last night, I met up with two of my friends to catch up. I appreciated the fact that finally, they have time (all of us are busy, but what's a few hours on a weekend, right?)

At our house. No, not my family. They are perfectly fine and all of us are going along well these days. I'm talking about the house literally. It's still being fixed...the place is a mess. Dusts billowing like ashfalls and the noise (hammering, et al) are becoming less torable. But it's fine. =)

I just hope the coming days will be a lot better! (",) 

It's another long weekend and I am stuck at home... while our roof is being fixed. So the only music that I could listen to is the loud banging of hammer against the tin roof while a decade's worth of dusts come billowing down from my ceiling, turning my room into a complete mess and err... dusty!

I still don't have my laptop which DC Board has to be replaced and motherboard, fixed. It still sits somewhere in Acer's service center, hopefully already being mended. I wouldn't be able to get it 'til next week. Glad I have this computer at home which I can still use for editing (and net surfing, of course!).

I am supposed to be in Baguio right now. I am supposed to be enjoying the cold and the fog (if there is!) and seeing the old familiar roads and sanctuaries that feels like my second home. I am supposed to be not thinking about work and enjoying the company of some friends (and my friends who are already based there).

Yesterday, I am somehow convinced that it's fine to stay and not push through because I have like pages and pages of articles to edit and tons to research. And it's probably a reminder for me to finish these things. But the longer I immerse myself into this pathetic sh*thole, the more I become frustrated. I am sulking right now. Major sulking as I speak.

The only joy right now is my very talkative nephew singing ABCD non-stop in my ears while blabbering about some things that I think he's not supposed to tell (madaldal na bata... haha).

Two more days to go... *SIGH*

Crashing. That's when you feel like the world falls off the hinges of its axis. That is almost exactly what I felt when my laptop died on me last Saturday in the middle of this gut-wrenching deadlines week. It refused to work late Saturday just when my momentum to work (and eagerness to butcher articles) is at its peak. The icing on the cake? I don't have a back-up.

Oh well. I endured the rest of the weekend and now, she (yes, my laptop is a girl) is sitting idly somewhere amongst the fountains of hard-knocked hardware in the Acer service center. But I have to hand it to that laptop... she was a hand-me-down from my friend C (when she was still with our company) and this awful thing never happened before. This was a first! The tech guy that I talked to said diagnosis will take 2-3 days plus - depending on the gravity of the damage - another so and so days for it to get totally fixed.

And so now at work, I am using this desktop in the office, which monitor probably dates back a few hundred years B.C. Pardon me, I am obviously exaggerating but this is the only way I could cheer myself up. It never occurred to me that drama doesn't only exist between people; it also happens between a 'thing' (object) and its human. That is probably why a lot of earth-bound spirits (as Melinda Gordon calls them) haunt their favorite stuff that they left behind.

Okay, I am getting off-the-road.

'Am off to my sack now. =)

Alas. And the week is over... oh well, not really but tomorrow being a non-working holiday gives off the same feeling anyway. This week is darn crazy... workaholic crazy that is. One of the "magistrates" was back and stayed longer than what I expected. Not complaining but you know how it works when the big B is around, right?

The week was gloomy... as gloomy as the weather inside my head. I can't help but be sad (and alarmed a little) that I'm getting dark circles around my eyes already. I'm starting to look like one of Melinda Gordon's disturbed spirits. Yaikks! Speaking of, I'm nearly done with the Season 3 of 'Ghost Whisperer'. Two more episodes to go and I'll need to dash to the nearest pirated dvd stall for my next fix. *evil grin* I am putting on hold my Smallville insanity because I can't wait for Lana Lang to disappear in the series (and I'm still in Season 7). Don't get me wrong, I like Kristin Kreuk but not her LL character... just so pathetically annoying. I'm all for Ms. Sullivan... =)

I'm supposed to be on my glutton mode two-week 'eating abnormality' cycle but I don't know, I still don't have that wolfish appetite. So this makes it three weeks already of unwanted and uncalled for diet. My officemate says I'm all sick in the head. It's like I've programmed it like that and I forgot to update the antivirus and now, the program's all busted. She's probably right. But this afternoon, 'Begby' (big B, got it?) treated us for a Chinese lunch and I think I kinda stuffed myself fairly. Crispy noodles, lemon chicken, beancurd skin with shitake mushrooms, calamares in oyster sauce, beef brocolli, sweet and sour pork, salted fish rice, one tiny cup of black (tasteless) tea, one bottle of Coke light, I took them all in. =)

Commercial: Matt G's out in AI and although I know that he isn't really made for the finals, it still felt like *dung* watching him sing that last 'Funny Valentine' song on the Idol stage. My heart broke a little. Aww.

The craziest part of this week is this moment right here when I am totally thinking of zipping myself up inside of my closet and consider not coming out until I'm all soaked in my own sweat. This feeling right here is what tells me that I want for just a brief instance to disappear.

I hate it that I am such a crybaby that when the tears are bound to fall, I just can't stop them. I hate it that it makes me appear weak and helpless because I know that in the inside, I am strong as I can ever be. I hate the fact that I have no control of my tear ducts that my eyes would well up until everything is a blur. I loathe the unpleasant trembling of my cheek muscles when I am trying very hard to keep my eyes dry and how it seems to create a hollow pit in my chest that it hurts so bad. I try to numb my mind because the more I think, the more the tears keep flowing and the more I embarrass myself.

I hate the fact that I cry in front of the wrong people.

I hate my sensitivity because of this.

I hate that I did it again. =(

weird day. it wasn't so bad yet it wasn't so great either. i was in quite a mix mood the entire day... ecstatic, panicky, a little bit happy, annoyed, frustrated, sad (for about a minute), hopeful and more... i thought i was going crazy. ( never fails to cross my mind everyday anyway).
i'm glad that i was somehow productive and i kind of felt disciplined in my own way as i was able to stick to my 'self' deadlines; i didn't snap at anyone; i smiled a lot; and i drank a lot of water (less caffeine). i wasn't that affected by my everyday qualms and yet, my brows can't help but meet at the center everytime i am reminded that i am, after all, still in the burning pits of h---.
oh right, i said i wouldn't mention that anymore, no matter what as it wouldn't do me any better but i guess, my blood is still steaming very hot at the thought.
now it makes me think if i really like it here? probably it's not a question anymore if you like it or not... the debate now is if i am willing to take a giant leap to an 'unforseeable' future. and right now, i don't really want to trouble myself.
while walking down the steps of the underpass, i was thinking very hard if it is really worthy living a life that you are not really sure you wanted. i was so deep in my thoughts that looking back at it now, i probably looked like a loony. and if my answer is it is not really worth it, i find myself facing  a whole new bunch of questions. but how? when to start? where to go? so many questions and yet. i am too lazy to find some answers. oh... will it ever end?
if there's one thing i realized at the end of this day.. it's I AM TIRED.

I've been watching too much Grey's Anatomy.

This morning, I sneezed blood and I am growing more and more paranoid by the minute. I saw this episode where this guy who only had what seemed like a minor case of rhinitis turned out to have some problem in his brain when blood suddenly came oozing out of his nostrils. And when I think about it, I am becoming more aware of my need to go and have myself checked.

I have a quite a list and believe me, it is getting longer.

When I stubbed my foot on a huge rock while vacationing in Pangasinan, I thought I just had sore muscles and it would eventually get better but two months have passed and still, I couldn't wear closed shoes at work. Even wearing open toes is a torture. Promised myself I would soon have it checked.

Then there's my usual back pain. A masseuse once told me I probably have a scoliosis and it kind of scared the hell out of me. I noticed it myself. My back bone on the left side is protruding a little bit more than the one on the right. And I tend to feel more tired carrying stuff on my left; it just feels uncomfortable. Anyway, it's on my list.

How can it be complete without the EENT? A few years back, I had an eye check up not because of poor eyesight but because I had some sort of a stye (which was eventually diagnosed as a chalazion) growing inside my eyelid. I got rid of it by just using eyedrops which was really painful (like putting soap in your eye) but eventually paid off because it dissolved the lump. My doctor said it is recurring and I never thought much about it until I fet the familiar itch and discomfort in my left eye. As of now, I am resorting to the use of that painful eyedrop.

And who could forget my skin allergies? The stress-related (or so they say) pytiriasis lichenoides have long been gone and cured but the marks are still all over my skin. And recently, I got a spot of discoloration on my left leg and I  don't really know what caused it.

Funny how my mom is convinced that I am being... errr... how do you call that... bewitched? But for me, I'm just unlucky... 

Woke up at 5am but just briefly to turn the alarm off. Slept again. Woke at 6:15 and this time for real. Sat for a short lingering moment, uttered a silent prayer. Stretched and yawned for a bit. Propped my pillows and fixed my bed. Or not really? Got my towel off the hook, got my conditioner and sleepily trudged my way down the steps. Found papa making coffee. Asked him to make me one too. Thought for a second if I have something to bring for lunch. Rummaged through the freezer. Found an 'embotido'. Cooked the 'embotido'. Boiled water for my bath. Sat on the couch with my eyes closed. Mama shouted calling my attention. Remembered my coffee and drank it in one big lazy gulp. Promised myself to take a bath in less than 30 minutes. Emerged from the bathroom 45 minutes later angry at myself. Washed my face again. Brushed my teeth. Brushed my retainers and slotted them in my mouth. Sprinted to my room. Stood infront of my closet. Chose what to wear. Opened all my drawers. Still choosing what to wear. Getting impatient. No more clothes amidst the unused ones still with tags. What am I talking about? Pulled one out. Dressed myself. Not convinced. Took it off. Tried another one. Took it off again. Tried another. And another. And another. Just in my undies for amost half an hour still undecided. Thought for a while. Dug through the pile on my bed. Pulled the first one I tried. Then half-smiled. This will do.
Wanted to take a cab. Ended up taking the jeepney and the FX. Came to work late as usual. Mas vale tarde que nunca! Felt lazy but can't be. Went straight to the room. Said 'Good Morning' to everybody. Settled in my seat. Opened laptop. Checked emails. Had my morning-Nesvita indulgence. Sat for quite a while just staring at the monitor. Tried recalling what I had to do. But mind's a big black void. Tried writing. Nada. Went to check the collaterals for the final art. Was quite preoccupied for about an hour. Found myself laughing at a joke from a colleague. Found myself laughing in the next two hours. Found a funny youtube video. Laughed some more. And then it was lunch time. Re-heated my food. Ate launch with my colleagues. Roundtable full. I was the only girl. And they were all talking "dirty". But laughed anyway. Finished my food. Felt a little uneasy. Had an innie-binnie stomach ache. Brushed my teeth. Forgot to comb my hair. Forgot to blot my face. Forgot to even re-touch my lipgloss. Sat down in front of my PC.Tried to focus. Came up with a couple of paragraphs. Then the blackhole again. Chatted with Paul for a few minutes. The minutes stretched a long while. I forgot I was working.